


Star Spangled Man With A Pun

by gingerwithahintofpsychopathy



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, First Kiss, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Pre-Slash, this was just an excuse for propaganda puns I'll be honest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-12
Updated: 2014-04-12
Packaged: 2018-01-19 01:12:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1449796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingerwithahintofpsychopathy/pseuds/gingerwithahintofpsychopathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve isn't sure when Tony started referencing his war propaganda – it's one of those things that just sort of happens without an actual beginning, although the first time he can remember is in a SHIELD meeting on how to deal with Doom's latest wave of Doombots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Star Spangled Man With A Pun

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Français available: [Le Porte Blague Étoilée](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3912025) by [Ellana17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellana17/pseuds/Ellana17)



> This is saved on my netbook as 'nearly 2000 words of propaganda puns' and that's pretty accurate. I listen to 'Star Spangled Man With a Plan' on a worryingly regular basis and this is the result. If you don't like puns, turn back NOW. Beta'd by the lovely sherloki19, whose notes and little labels of 'pleasing!' made my day better. Credit to her for the title, which is punderful.
> 
> I'd like to thank everyone who left kudos on my other works (it's super encouraging!) and to thank MayonnaiseJane for her concrit on Uncompromisable, which really helpedme out and was very informative. All comments are welcome, as are kudos and bookmarks. I've got a couple of stories (*whispers* so many) on the go, and it's always nice to have the validation of knowing people like my writing. Hope you enjoy!

Steve isn't sure when Tony started referencing his war propaganda – it's one of those things that just sort of happens without an actual beginning, although the first time he can remember is in a SHIELD meeting on how to deal with Doom's latest wave of Doombots. Fury sternly looks Steve in the eye and says, “What's the plan?” and before Steve can suggest any solutions Tony mutters “We can always rely on our Star Spangled Man for a plan!”

Fury scowls fiercely as Clint spits coffee across the table and laughs not very quietly for the remainder of the meeting. At the time Steve doesn't really get the joke, too focussed on the Doombot problem, but when he helps Tony lift some kind of bagel maker into the kitchen a few days later and Tony says, “Thanks. What would we do without you, all stalwart and steady and true?” Steve thinks back to the meeting and realises what is happening. He drops the bagel machine; his end thumps to the ground, forcing Tony to stoop with the other end.

“You're quoting the propaganda!” he blurts out before he can stop himself. Tony raises an eyebrow, lowering his end of the bagel machine to the floor.

“Have you seriously only just noticed?”

Steve blushes and leaves the room. He'd assumed that the footage would've been destroyed or lost or at least partially damaged, but apparently accidental cryogenics have used up all his luck for a while.

Predictably, his reaction spurs Tony on to the point where Steve is almost impressed with his creativity.

“Captain, I'll need you to canvas the area, check that the local residents haven't seen anything suspicious. Clear?”

“Yes sir.”

“Steve loves campaigning door to door for America, a few home visits won't be a problem!” Tony interjects cheerfully.

Steve glowers at him, but according to Tony the 'I Am Captain America Take Me Seriously' face only worked before they knew what a 'total dork' he is.

~

“Cap- ahem, Captain Rogers, sir-”

“Aw, I love how flustered Agent gets around you. Coulson, you're getting cute.”

Coulson frowns. “Quiet, Tony. Captain Rogers, would you be willing to be part of a diplomatic party to Latveria? Your contribution would be greatly appreciated, I'm sure.”

Steve smiles what Tony has accurately dubbed the “Sure I'll Do It I'm Captain America' smile and answers “Of course, sir.” Steve waits for some kind of comment from Tony – as do the others, judging by their badly-concealed sideways glances – but he just sips his coffee and grins.

It's when Steve is about to leave that Tony puts his hand on Steve's bicep and tells him seriously, “Remember, you're carrying the flag shore to shore for America. Do us proud, Spangles.”

Steve makes some kind of semi-despairing noise to the affirmative and Tony winks. It's strangely reassuring. “There's a good Capsicle,” he says, patting Steve's arm a couple of times. “It'll go great.”

It does go great, if great means being attacked by dog-like Doombots in the middle of Latveria at 2am.

~

The next reference presents itself in battle against some telekinetic twins. The Avengers are struggling a little – it's difficult to fight someone who can literally throw you into a building from a mile away if you're not careful.

“Come on guys!” Tony yells through the comms, dodging a well-aimed lamppost. It sails past him and crunches onto a car. “Just remember – we're forceful and ready to defend the red, white and blue!”

Natasha grins as she fires around a corner at the male twin, who screeches something about injustice and oppression as he reflects the bullets back at her; Clint whoops “AMERICA, YEAH” as he runs along a rooftop, whilst Thor and Hulk merely make identical huffing noises, though whether they are amused, disdainful or confused Steve can't quite figure out.

Oddly enough though, the battle is won only a couple of minutes later when the Hulk manages to grab both twins and refuses to let them go. “HULK FORCEFUL,” he says defiantly, nodding at Tony.

Tony turns off his microphone for a few minutes, but not before they hear him start laughing.

~

After an incident with Thor, several pumpkins and a BMW showroom, Fury organises a press conference so that the Avengers can apologise for the damage caused.

“I'll do it,” Tony offers. “I know you guys all hate press conferences.”

That is a bit of an understatement, really. The last time they had a group press conference Clint threatened a rude reporter, Natasha slowly and deliberately sharpened her knives for the entire half-hour, Steve started blushing when a reporter asked him if there was anyone significant in his love life – he replied “How can someone you love be anything but significant?” and then ended up making a sort of 'uh um nyurg' noise in response to some rather intimate questions – and Thor summoned Mjolnir to show to the press and accidentally destroyed $300,000 worth of recording equipment. Only Tony and Bruce didn't have any problems, Tony because he has done it a lot and Bruce because they didn't make him go – they're only idiots sometimes.

“But we're a team, we should do this together,” Steve says earnestly. “We can't let you do it alone.”

Thor says “AYE,” and continues rifling through the fridge for sandwich ingredients. Natasha shrugs, Bruce pushes up his glasses uncomfortably and Clint says “Well, who's better at press-talk than a Stark?” which Steve translates loosely to 'I am never ever doing one again and none of you can make me'.

“Exactly! I'm better at this and more used to it than you guys – THOR! If you put that in your sandwich you are NOT living in my Tower any more!”

Thor freezes, then slowly puts the tub of Ben and Jerry's 'Phish Food' back into the freezer, gazing mournfully after it for a few seconds before contenting himself with the pile of meat, cheese, condiment and fruit that he's attempted to shove between two slices of bread. Steve's pretty sure it doesn't count as a sandwich, or at least not in the conventional sense.

“You sure about this, Stark?” Fury's eye narrows suspiciously as Tony grins, turning to make eye contact with Steve.

“Sure as an eagle will soar, Director.”

Steve puts his head in his hands.

~

There's a big debate a week after the conference over whether the Avengers are actually needed to protect the American people or whether they are a 'liability and a public menace'.

“Who'll deal with Doom and all the other crazy magic people out there if the Avengers are out of commission?” Tony argues to a board of military and government organisation representatives. “And it's not like you have to fund us or pay entirely for damages, I'm... well, I'm me!”

“The army can deal with these troublemakers!” declares General Johnson, who resembles a bulldog. “We're perfectly well equipped to deal with their kind.”

“We have Captain freaking America!” Tony cries incredulously. “Have you seen how this guy can shoot?”

As if planned, which it may well have been, Clint, Bruce and Natasha simultaneously whisper “We tell you there's no substitute.” They start giggling together, leaving Steve and a bemused Thor to defend their cause.

“Why risk your men and women's lives when we have a team perfectly suited for the job?” Steve points out reasonably.

General Johnson's jowls quiver. “The enemies you fight could be easily dealt with by the American Army!”

Tony chokes out, “We can't ignore-”

“Tony no-”

“-there's a threat! And a war-”

“Tony STOP!”

“-we must win!”

Steve resists the urge to put Tony across his knee and see if corporal punishment works better than verbal reprimands.

“A war?” the General puffs. His moustache quivers with alarm.

“Well, I, um, wouldn't call it a war, but it's a constant battle against evildoers – sometimes it can feel like one, is what he's saying.”

General Johnson and his moustache remain unconvinced, bristling. Clint and Tony gasp for breath as Natasha and Bruce manage to regain some composure.

“I AM WELL SKILLED IN BATTLE!” Thor booms, and Clint falls off his chair. “I WILL DEFEAT ANY ENEMIES OF MIDGARD FASTER THAN YOU CAN SPEAK OF YGGDRASIL!”

“Igdawhat?” asks a short man with a goatee on the general's left.

“YGGDRASIL! IT IS THE WORLD TREE THAT SUPPORTS THE NINE REALMS, WITH PATHWAYS-” Thor launches into a detailed explanation.

“We'll fight for what's right night and daaaaay!” Tony calls over Thor to the General, who is practically purple with rage. Steve despairs and speed-dials Fury surreptitiously under the table. It connects then disconnects after four-point-five seconds; after about ten more minutes of torment Fury arrives, shouts Thor and Tony into submission and reschedules the meeting, then sends Clint and Tony on professionalism and diplomacy seminars, which doesn't dispel their mirth in the slightest.

~

The Avengers continue the discussion amongst themselves later, when they've gathered together for the evening in the Tower.

“It's ridiculous – the very idea of decommissioning the Avengers! Without us, who'll protect the people?” Everyone nods and makes noises of agreement when Tony pauses to take a breath. Steve looks up from his icecream (some strawberry, vanilla and blue raspberry attempt at the American flag that Tony bought for him) just as Tony grins mischeviously and opens his mouth to speak.

“If you make one more joke based on my war propaganda and I'll do something drastic,” Steve mutters through a mouthful of icecream. Tony's eyes narrow.

“Oh really?” he challenges.

Steve swallows and licks his lips, relishing the way his cold tongue contrasts with the warmth of his lips. “Yes really.”

Tony considers, then slowly speaks. “Who else will rise...”

Steve stands, putting down the icecream tub neatly on his chair.

“... and fall...”

An anticipatory silence falls as the others watch their exchange. Natasha's eyes flicker across Steve's face and she smiles faintly, exchanging a glance with Clint.

“... give their all...”

Steve walks steadily across the room towards him.

“...for America.” Tony finishes quietly. They're almost nose to nose now, Steve looking down at Tony. Tony raises a challenging eyebrow. Steve considers the challenge, waiting for Tony to smirk and turn away before he cups Tony's jaw, turns him back around and kisses him forcefully.

There's an awful moment where Tony doesn't respond and Steve feels his stomach sink, but after that half-second he switches on and kisses back, swiping his tongue along the seam of Steve's lips. Clint wolf-whistles; Tony pulls back a couple of centimetres. “Mm,” he says, licking his lips exaggeratedly. “Blue raspberry and patriotism, my favourite.” He leans closer again so his lips almost brush Steve's when he speaks. “Is this gonna happen every time I make a propaganda joke? Because I'm already struggling for inspiration and you'll have to deal with some seriously bad puns.”

“How about every time you don't?” Steve suggests with a smile, stroking the juncture between Tony's shoulder and neck with his thumb.

“I guess that works too,” Tony says, kissing him again.


End file.
